That Dirty Windshield

I basically have been on a year long vacation since I came here and I'm really disappointed in myself that I haven't produced more in all that time. In all fairness, I've taken a lot of photos, and shot a lot of video, but neither have any real focus other than being pretty in parts.

I'm making an effort to be more productive. I've finally sat down and am logging tapes as I type. Though, I've only found that I don't really have a film here. Just a big stack of tapes mostly documenting where I've been as seen through a dirty windshield. All I ever end up shooting is long car rides through breathtaking landscapes, but nothing more really.

Having been out here so long you wouldn't think I would still have such an outsider point of view and leave so much unexplored. I'd hardly call pulling over and taking a photo of a funny sign or a building exploration.

I was just watching Peyote to LSD: A Psychedelic Odyssey on the History Channel the other day and saw how Richard Evan Schulte explored the Amazon in and out and befriended the indians and earned their trust and eventually became a hero to them and got sick and almost died in the process all while studying the plant life. As I watched all I could think about is my lack of ability to truly immerse myself in anything. I've been here almost a year and am still a stranger and have so little to show for it. I'm not saying I came out here to contribute to science or unknowingly start the psychedelic revolution or anything, but I didn't expect that ABC Family re-runs of Full House would replace any creative routine I would have hoped to set for myself.


Like I said, I've shot a lot of video, but with no real focus. Just a lot of outsider observation of the environment from a safe, inside place. Always a car window documenting a world passing by unexplored to its fullest. No danger. No wind, no sun, nothing to harm me or give me pleasure. I feel nothing and I see it tinted slightly green through that dirty wind sheild.

The more I look at these videos the more I see how much they're lacking in GUTS. I mean, I've got tonsils, an appendix here, maybe the kidney that you'd donate to your dying mother, a sibling or a dear friend. But I certainly have no brains (for the intellectual stimulating), no bones (for obvious structural reasons), and definitely no BALLS (need I explain that one?).

And, saddest of all, no heart.

You think I can add all of that in the editing room?